Clean Jokes

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

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“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”

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There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”

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A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

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Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grand-mother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning.
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked…” doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”
Johnny said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!”

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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock”, the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup”, replied the drunk.
How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch”, the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You a**hole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”

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Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. “Hey, whatever happened to Pete?” one asked.
“He got this hare-brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car,” his coworker replied.
“How was he going to do it?”
“He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea.”
“So what did he end up with?”
“1 1/2 years in jail and 100 hours of community work.”

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A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.
I called several hotels, with no luck.
Finally I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
“No” she replied, “but we have a lobby and you can wait there.

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The groom to be said to his bride, “Three-thousand eight-hundred dollars for a dress that’s only going to be worn once?!”
“Who says it’s only going to be worn once?”
“Oh? You’re planning to get married again? You know you can’t wear white the second time!”
“No, but I do plan to have a daughter and she’ll wear it on her wedding day. And she’ll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom.”
“I’ll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress.”
“Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!”
“Okay, then why don’t you wear hers?”
“Who wants to get married in that old thing?”

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A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Bill, please?”
“No! There’s no one called Bill here,” says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Bill a second time.
“No, there’s no one here called Bill. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police,” the person says.
His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation. ”
“Then what’s frustration? ” asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
“Hello, this is Bill. Have I received any phone calls?” he asks casually.

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A woman, carrying a small dog in her arms, boarded a streetcar in New York and earnestly begged the conductor to tell her when they reached 42nd Street. As she seemed unusually anxious, he said he would.
At the first stop they made after leaving 72nd Street, she glanced appealingly at the other passengers.
At the next stop she half rose to her feet. “Fifty-ninth! ” called the conductor.
At 50th Street she stumbled forward, but the conductor laid a detaining hand upon her. “Not yet, Madam. I told you that I would tell you when we get there.”
“How soon shall we get there?” she asked, breathlessly.
The conductor looked wearily at her. “I will tell you when we get there,” he repeated.
At last, looking pointedly at her, he shouted loudly, “FORTY-SECOND STREET! FORTY-SECOND STREET!”
The woman clutched her dog and, standing up, lifted him to the window. “O, Fido,” she said, almost tearfully, “look, look, Fido! That’s 42nd Street, where you were born.”

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A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. “Officer,” he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?”
“No I haven’t. What’s the problem?”
“The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!”
“Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?” the officer asks.
“Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He’s carrying one of his ears in his left hand.”

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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by an old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the old lady, ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’.
‘I can’t chew them because I’ve no teeth’, she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them then?’
The old lady replied, ‘I just love the chocolate around them.’

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, “The bad news is that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”
The Frenchman says, “I take ze poison.” The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, “God save the Queen!” and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and
gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over –
the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, “What are you doing?”
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, “So much for your canoe, a hole!”